The October Blues

No, this is not about hockey returning to our city, nor is it about a failed attempt at baseball glory.  This is actually about how October affects our students’ emotional well-being. 

Believe it or not, the “October Blues” is a widespread nickname for many hard things that hit independent schools at this time of year.  There are articles, interviews, and blogs, that research this topic.  If you were to ask other heads of independent schools, “What are your hardest times of the year?” many would say October and February.  So, why is this a “thing” and how do we at Kirk Day School avoid falling into this?

First, October is an interesting month in the emotional and pedagogical calendars.   It is a month where the newness of school is wearing off.  Friendships have settled. Families are in more of a routine. The days are getting shorter. And, the school year feels bigger.  Students feel more tired than they did when it was warm and sunny.  Their relationships have settled and the kids that were not an issue in their class are, all of a sudden, an issue.  As one educator pointed out in an NPR interview, “The best laid plans tumble to the ground like dead leaves.” She’s right.

Second, as these changes take their psychological and physiological toll on students, items that were not magnified become magnified.  This is a natural course of the ebb and flow of childhood relationships.  But, as a parent who deeply cares about the protection and development of your child, you begin to see small changes during this month.  Parents begin hearing classmate names they had yet to hear or words that are not appropriate, and students are more comfortable with each other than maybe we (as adults) would expect.  That all boils down to one thing: Parents feel a lack of control. 

So, what do you do for yourself? And what do you do for your student?

Here are a few steps:

1. Recognize the difference between a phase and a pattern. 

Look at your child’s history.  Does this occur each year? Or, has this occurred at all in the past? Is your child’s “transition phase” actually over, or are they still transitioning through the phase? Are they wanting attention from others, or more importantly from you the parent? Sometimes, children realize they can control or just affect other’s emotions by their implications.  Try to read deeper into this.  A good way to read into this is by seeing whether or not the child brings this up or if you do?  Sometimes, the struggle is not on the child’s mind at all, but in our love and care for our children, we remind them of something they may have already moved past. 

2. Can I help my child with self-care?

A lot of people roll their eyes at the term self-care. Why? Self-care requires time, energy, and money, three things that can be scarce in our world today. So, how do we care for ourselves and help our children learn to do the same? First, let’s start with a definition of self-care. Self-care is anything that refuels us. It is the activities we do where we lose track of time. These activities lower our stress level and increase our ability to function in the world. There are two different kinds of self-care: macro and micro self-care. Macro self-care is something like a vacation. It requires planning, time, and money. Micro self-care are those things you can do every day and have your kiddos practice every day. Some examples include: taking a 15-minute walk after dinner, doing a guided muscle relaxation or meditating on Scripture, taking 10 minutes at the end or beginning of the day to talk, write, or think about what you’re thankful for. It may mean doing a family activity on a Saturday. These things do not require many resources but can be incredibly helpful for both adults and children. October tends to be a time when our schedules get busier, so it is a perfect time to make some space for you and your kids to take a breath and enjoy something fun.

3. Ask good questions.                       

Recently, I heard from a leading child psychologist that the worst question a parent can ask their child after school is, “How was your day?”  It does very little to connect with your child and to the heart of your child because the question is too open ended.  (Full disclosure: I do this EVERY TIME I pick my son up from school.)  It’s a habit.  However, moving to better questions is better for us and better for our physically and emotionally tired children at the end of the day.  It boils down to primarily being more specific.  Here are some examples:

• What did you learn in (subject) today?
• What co-curricular classes did you go to today?
• What was the funniest thing that happened at school today?
• What friends did you enjoy today?
• Who did you sit with at lunch? 

4. Be patient.

Our lack of comfort is one thing, but our children’s lack of comfort can feel overwhelming.  We have a natural, created, desire to take pain away from our children. However, as my predecessor, Sue Pitzer, often says, “Prepare the child for the path, not the path for the child.”  A coach does not challenge athletes for the easy games but for the most difficult and trying circumstances.  We have to allow our students to walk through the uncertainty and be emotionally present with them amidst the conflict and uncomfortable season.  We have to be patient. 

None of the aforementioned is to ignore what is going on in the life of a child.  Jesus displayed great care and concern for children, listening and offering His time to them when others were clamoring for His attention.  Nonetheless, we can't forget that Jesus, having his eternal perspective, was able to sleep soundly during the storm, only getting up to calm the storm, and ask his disciples, “Why were you so afraid?” May we have the courage to gently walk with our children through their storms while resting in the Lord’s power, believing that He knows what is best for the people dearest to us.